On Asking Your Partner For Feedback
The Anti-Art Class, lesson 3
The Anti-Art Class is a series of posts meant to discuss the topics that I see frequently from artists searching for guidance, but in the form of workshops and classes that aren’t really going to give them the answers they’re looking for. While I think workshops and classes are good for learning techniques, often I see artists asking for deeper guidance, or being fearful of taking steps on their own without the structure and safety of workshops and classes. This series is an exploration of those feelings.
Don’t.
Don’t ask your partner for feedback on your art. Don’t ask your partner for what you think is maybe even just an innocent little opinion about it.
Just don’t.
You don’t need your partner’s validation to make your work, even if they’ve said they like your work.
Too many artists (mostly women) ask their partners (mostly men) if they “like” a painting or a sculpture. And very often that partner feels put upon to either lie and say they like it, or risk hurting their partner’s feelings and making them very unhappy and self-conscious about their work. In worse scenarios, the partner who’s been asked doesn’t even stop to consider how their words might feel; they give a brutally honest opinion that the asker wasn’t prepared for, because the asker assumed the opinion would be favorable.
But when an artist makes real and honest art, it pulls up from reserves that most people don’t see — not even the artist themselves. Real and honest art can show a deeply unfamiliar and uncomfortable view into an artist for the people who think they know them best. And the more your art edges into experimental places, the harder it might be for your partner to understand what they’re seeing in relation to the person they know so intimately.
You make art to fill a need that is inside you, not your partner. While it may feel good to have your partner voice that they like a particular piece, you should only ever consider this a bonus, and such a comment will be even more genuinely felt if it is given unsolicited.
What if you genuinely want your partner’s feedback?
There are examples out there of creatively intertwined couples, usually high profile ones, who work together and create together and can exist comfortably in that space where the personal and professional aren’t just mingled but actually feed one another.
Maybe your partner is that person for you. If they are, you know that this article isn’t for you. And if they aren’t that person, I suspect you also know that. And that’s when you just need to be cautious of stepping into that kind of space and relationship. Remember this from the last article: if you’re asking for feedback, be prepared for feedback. Don’t ask for feedback expecting praise.
What about partners who offer negative unsolicited feedback on your work?
Ignore them. And keep making your work.
It’s hard to ignore it when a person you love looks at your work and, without prompting, says things like why would you choose these colors, they’re terrible, or this doesn’t look like anything to me, it looks like a five-year-old could draw it; why don’t you paint a nice landscape instead?
There are some deep issues in these kinds of comments that go beyond art advice and into relationship counseling, which is far outside the scope of this series.
What you really need to know is that when you hear this, you know that your partner is simply not your audience. And that’s okay. Your partner doesn’t need to be your audience. A person’s connection to a piece of art is deeply personal and not something that can be assumed to come with a relationship.
And while you don’t need their validation on your actual work, you do need their support and belief that the time you spend, the space you use, and the effort you put into actually making your work is valuable and necessary for you. Whether or not they like your work or not is their opinion, and it does not reflect your worth as an artist. But whether or not they understand that the time and space you take to make your work is important and valuable to you — that reflects their worth as a supportive partner.